I love you, but you make me miserable

An open letter to mathematics

As my second semester of college comes to an end, I’ve been watching more TV. It’s less about being unproductive but rather more. It reveals something much more upsetting: I have no conviction for the things I do.

I feel I ramble along this thread and string the same chord in my previous articles but I always have a conclusion, a resolution and understanding on what I’m going to do next but today feels strikingly different. I no longer gawk at awe at the endless of possibilities to my plans but instead, I idly freeze to this discord symphony of inharmony and dissonant notes.

I had my first technical interview today and although I major in economics and mathematics, my fundamentals are poorer than a five year old’s (there is a reason why I intended to become a lawyer in the first place … i was not good at maths). He asked me a couple of questions on probability and expected values. Those minutes of getting frustrated, waiting then enlightenment was overall a nice reminder on why I took maths in the first place: it was liberating, a constant feeling of assurance that things will be OK however I stuttered, I used simpleminded language and did less talking with more pausing. I love mathematics. I find it incredibly exhilarating how a simple two dimensional arrangement of numbers in rows and columns are what make up the complex systems of today. Matrices are the reason why we can convert electrical energy into another energy, create realistic decreeing motion in our iPhone maps, rank the web pages in Google search, generalise motion of high dimensional derivatives, and encrypt our data safely. Matrices are nothing more than rectangular arrangements of numbers, expressions and symbols yet make up so much of our world today.

It saddens me to have messed up the interview so badly but is it weird to love something wholeheartedly without knowing it fully?

I haven’t received a rejection letter yet but it’s time to face it. If I were to rely on my gut feeling on maths, then I should probably rely on it too for the outcome of it. The decision on whether the interview went great or horribly is now into the void, the universe and people to decide — factors and externalities we cannot control. The offset consequences of our actions.

I now only hope to move on fully. Take my Loss and realise this isn’t the end of me. To work, strive ceaselessly and reach the fleeting feeling of happiness. The elusive sa-tis-fac-tion.